What Were You Thinking?

When I was a child, a frequent question I got from Mom was "What were you thinking?"

There is almost no incident of note in my life that I could tell you of what I was thinking when it happened. See, nothing interesting happens when you over analyze. For most of my life "over analysis" included the idea of consequences for my actions.

"Play the tape the whole way through," they tell me. Think about what will happen next if you do this.

Does anyone else have the idea that the action itself is rewarding enough to accept the consequences? I do recall some calculation as a child. The risk of a hearty spanking was worth the immediate gratification of a "sneaked" cookie.

You could tell me "no" the next time cookies were handed out. That was not a consequence in my mind. I had already gotten the cookie at the exact moment I wanted it. The democratic letdown of getting a cookie when everyone else is served is not appealing to me. In fact, is the shared experience worth as much as the stolen experience? A lot more feeling goes along with a stolen cookie. Guilt, self satisfaction of a well executed theft, condescension toward those who only eat when their mother says to do so, cramming the whole thing in your mouth at once and not being scolded. . . Not getting caught was fun too, but not as fun as getting caught and being publicly "humiliated" in front of my peers who stared wide eyed and uncomfortable at my boldness. Swinging over the pit of fire on a spider web. I still got to go to school, church, bed, and everywhere else they did, but my life was vivid.

I had a supervisor once who was retired from the police force. He said I had typical serial killer behavior. I have to disagree with him. Killing someone is no fun. Keeping them alive and toying them, like my childhood pet Manx, Hannabel, and her catching mice for the entertainment. Hannabel, once the mouse passed its expiration date, would lay it somewhere so Mom would step on it and freak out. One last whammy out of an otherwise useless item. Why eat a mouse when you can have boneless Meow Mix?

I don't really enjoy non-compliance anymore. I have shocked all the people I need to. I prefer a little anonymity most of the time. An acquaintance called me "jaded."

"You have the air of one who did it all and is tired of it all," he continued.

I look forward to a lot more experiences in my life. I have surrounded myself with intelligent and non-compliant friends. We do stupid and predictable things. Life is good.

If it happens, you can bet I didn't plan it.